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“Dear Old Drunk Men”

A look into a young women’s mind at a party.

I understand that you may be reaching that time in your life that we all call “Mid-Life Crisis”. I understand that you may feel like acting like a teenager again to make up for your ageing body. However, what I do not understand is the need to get drunk at a “family” event and pull out a power saw and start cutting wood. There is a time and a place for that. However, the garage at 2 AM surrounded by family and friends, after you’ve emptied a case of beer, is not the time nor the place. Is there something you are trying to prove? Are you letting all the childish excitement out that you suppress when you’re with your wife? Are you becoming senile? I see that the fire we have built to keep us all warm is going out, however slowly. I know that the only available wood we have is too big to fit in the fire pit. However, I think we should let the sober people deal with that and let you drink your Glühwein in peace.  I would appreciate a reason for your very literal madness! If the need to drunkenly pull out very dangerous, loud tools is so profound, why not go all the way? Why not dress up like the creator of Frankenstein, bring out the blow torch, and scream like a maniac? Or would that be too much?

Another thing, would you mind not asking the foreigner in the corner, i.e. me, how I spell my name 20 times? I get that, after this ENTIRE case of beer that you have consumed all by your lonesome, it’s hard to remember which questions you’ve asked already. But I did not come to this party to play “20 Questions… repeated over and over again”. Yes, I am THE American here. No, my name is not German. No, I don’t want to explain to you my whole family tree and genealogy. Please go back to your wife. Google says some symptoms of a Mid-life crises are changes in eating habits, fatigue and a feeling of hopelessness. But after this conversation I feel like I need an extra strong drink, some greasy pizza, and a nap.

Last but not least, the “a little too close for comfort” kisses on the cheek you keep giving me make me very uncomfortable. Plus, the face your wife is making is something I’d rather not have directed in my direction. Yes, the first one to say hello was acceptable. However, as you keep swallowing the Giggle Juice and it becomes apparent that you are not leaving, the 4th and 5th kisses are becoming weird, slightly disgusting, and are very not welcome.

Next time you leave the house, please think about leaving the power tools at home, carrying a notebook with you to track the questions you’ve already asked people, and most importantly keep your hands (and lips) to yourself.


The 20 year old who tried to avoid you at that birthday party last night.

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